Scotland 2016

Some say our destiny is tied to the land, as much a part of us as we are of it. Others say fate is woven together like a cloth, so that one’s destiny intertwines with many others. It’s the one thing we search for, or fight to change. Some never find it. But there are some who are led.

-Merida, Brave (2012)

I had a revelation, and it took me almost two years to get to it. When it comes to things like destiny, fate, and perhaps even otherworldly interventions, I’m a bit more receptive to it happening to others than to me. One trip across the pond changed that.

Some believe they were fated to do something, and I tend to believe that they believe. I never believed it myself, that I was controlled by fate or otherwise, until…well, until I just simply did. I was fated to be in Scotland. Perhaps my destiny is tied to the land, perhaps I just really, really enjoyed my time there and placed it on a pedestal. I don’t know. What I do know is that I have never, in my entire life, cried on a plane because I wasn’t ready to go back home. Because I felt I shouldn’t go back home.

Hindsight being what it is, the universe kind of proved me right. I came back from Scotland, and things were different. Life took some turns–some really ugly turns–and threw me on a path I thought I had finally come off of. In preparation for my trip, I had set my sights on getting healthy, being more active, and really changing things up for the better. I was going out more, making new friends, making memories.

Post-Scotland, I fell into a funk. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wasn’t suppose to be here. I got promoted literally the day I got back, and despite having worked toward the promotion for the last few months, I felt trapped. I felt like I was now obligated to stay. I had to put the proper amount of time into this new position, and I just wasn’t feeling like I wanted to commit to something here, long term (fear of commitment…there’s something new).

Over the proceeding year I got entangled in a messy situationship (relationship would be giving it too much credit), had a nearly life-long family friend pass away, my aunt was diagnosed with cancer and struggled with it each and every day, had another (young) friend pass away in a freak accident, grappled with not meeting my personal expectations in my new position…the list goes on. In summation, it was a garbage year.

I’d be lying if I said the thought of “this wouldn’t have happened if I stayed in Scotland” didn’t cross my mind. Frequently.

But throughout this time, I learned a lot. I committed (it can be done!) to my sabbatical, and told myself, if I truly feel like I’m meant to be there, then let’s test it out. I knew I didn’t want to be one of those people who came back from their sabbatical and, when asked what I did the whole time, would simply say, “relax, hang out, nothing really…you know.” So I set my sights on Scotland again.

This leads me to now. I will be leaving for my trip on August 14th, and I will be going to England, Scotland, and France. I’m excited for new things in England (Jane Austen stuff, what!), and I’m super excited for Paris (Disneyland Paris will be crossed off my bucket list). But most of all, when they ask me what I did on my sabbatical, I’m so looking forward to being able to say, “relax, hang out, do nothing…in Scotland!”

This will be a dry run to see if this is truly where I’m meant to be. Maybe I’m just a thread, woven into Scotland’s cloth. A random thread traveling through, but my thread does not end there. Or maybe my destiny is tied to the land, the land of my ancestors. Maybe the fates of the past, present, and future are leading me there like a spritely will-o’-the-wisp.

Scotland has changed how I view things. I listen to my gut more. I try to quiet the head to listen to the heart. I know what it’s like to have an overwhelming feeling guide you in a direction where it’s dark and shadowy and all so…unknown, and be perfectly and totally okay with that.